For starters, I could probably put together reams of thoughts on any one of these. But, not now.

Our very wise friend, Dawn, was over yesterday morning for a meeting and she happened to tell us of a great book she’s reading, entitled Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown.

As I read the cover flap, I became aware that one of Brown’s TED talks is a top view on YouTube, entitled, “The Power of Vulnerability.”  I was intrigued enough to watch the brief 20 minute presentation and am a fan. I will attach the link below but here’s the gist. I do a terrible job of summarizing. You should really just spend the twenty minutes on YouTube.

She begins by stating that connection is why we’re here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The greatest threat to connection are the twins of shame and fear. We fear disconnection. Specifically, we all have things about us that we believe if others found out, we would be disconnected or, as she says, “not worthy of connection.” (As she is a highly trained researcher, she arrived at this as part of a massive study into the lives of people over many years.) She says that everyone has shame and (this is huge!) the only people who don’t have it have no capacity for human empathy or connection. That’s something to think about.

These are things no one wants to talk about.

She refers to the underpinning to this shame and fear as “excruciating vulnerability.”  This idea is that in order for connection to happen, we have to allow others to fully see us.

This brings us back to the idea of “worthiness.” She describes two groups: Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and those who don’t. She said, after a massive amount of data analysis that the only difference between the two is that the former “believe they are worthy of love and belonging.” Put just a tad differently, the thing that keeps us from connection is the fear we’re not worthy of connection.

From there, she tried to discover what the people who believe they are worthy of love and belonging have in common with one another. Again, after exhaustive study, she settled upon a feature she calls, “wholeheartedness.”

From there, she moves quickly through other descriptions and conclusions of what this “wholeheartedness” is like. It includes courage (to be imperfect), compassion (showing kindness to self and others), connection (willingness to let go of who we think we should be for who we really are), and vulnerability (in the end, where she settles).

As she concentrated on vulnerability, she concluded that this feature makes people beautiful. According to her, it is neither comfortable or excruciating. It’s simply necessary. She announces clearly that vulnerability is the “birthplace of joy, belonging and love.”

Wow.

The problem, she continues, is that we work very hard to numb vulnerability but that’s impossible because we can’t numb emotions. By numbing vulnerability, we simultaneously numb joy, gratitude and happiness. We numb by trying to make everything that is uncertain, certain. We seek perfection.

Brown: “You are imperfect and wired for struggle and worthy of love and belonging.”

As she concludes, she says that we should let ourselves be deeply seen. This also means loving with our whole heart when there’s no guarantee. Then, we can practice gratitude and joy. We can say, “I am enough,” and will be able to stop screaming and listening.

If you should choose to watch the linked talk, you will find that I’ve captured much of what she says but I’ve clearly been imperfect in my summary. Everything she shares dovetails with what I believe to be true from my own experience and observation.

We have active private lives that sometimes occupy the surface of our hearts and minds and sometimes settle down in deeper places. Knowing already a lot of what she shares is a nice confirmation but I’m especially intrigued and motivated to reflect upon the powerful role that forces like shame, fear, courage, compassion,vulnerability, transparency and wholeheartedness play in our lives.

Blessings, Brad