Eleven years ago this Saturday night, at 6:40pm, I heard God’s voice. While I’ve “heard” God many, many times since, I’ve only heard his voice speaking clearly to me one time. As in, it came in through the upper left side of my head. It was not some disembodied thought that just entered my mind. There was no mistaking who it was or what he said. Some of you have heard this account a number of times. It’s not something one keeps quiet about in certain circles.

So, this kind of thing raises all sorts of questions and issues. Two main ones are probably: How did I know it was God? Or, if one hearing this story does not believe in God, what are the other possible explanations? These are good and valid questions. Others could be, why did he choose that time and those words? Or, why doesn’t he do this all of the time? And, why me?

Actually, it was more than hearing his voice. We had a conversation. OK, it was a very brief conversation, as in he spoke clearly and I responded quickly by sending an inaudible reply, to which he clearly spoke again. These were not muddled words.

If there is no such thing as God, then there are only two possibilities and they are not unreasonable. One is that I’m making this whole thing up. I’m pulling a fast one for some reason. Maybe notoriety. Attention. People who claim to have heard from God or who have conversations with God are nothing new and some are certainly sharing this for some kind of gain. We get inured to this kind of thing. Jaded. I accept this doubt but given my immediate and visceral reaction that was pretty shocking to those around me, I’d have had to be quite the actor, even plotting it ahead of time. I don’t believe anyone who knows me considers this at all possible. The more plausible explanation of my account, if there is no God, is that I was deluded. I thought I heard his voice but, in fact, my subconscious projected a false conversation into my consciousness. As in, some aspect of me really wanted to hear God and so, unbeknownst to me, I made it up. In other words, I was just a tad crazy. Certainly, there are all sorts of examples of crazy people exclaiming God stuff all of the time. Yes, I can see why some would explain that I was simply momentarily deluded. We’ll get back to that. But, we’re going to take a detour, because this post is about something more than what happened to me on March 26, 2005.

As I’ve said many times, I did not grow up with any faith and had no familiarity with religion, other than the twice yearly celebrations of Passover and Hanukah with my paternal Jewish grandparents and what I gleaned from reading or associating with friends. I was as about as secular a kid as you could get. Never stepped inside a church (other than our fourth grade trip to Mission San Juan Batista) until college. The only time I think I prayed was when my tenth grade geometry teacher asked me to go to the board and demonstrate an equation, probably knowing I had not done my homework. She was not particularly nice. I stood there silently as everyone waited, my back to the class. I remember praying for relief. And I remember the fire alarm going off right then. We never made it back to class. It’s a wonder it took me another 35 years to trust God.

Without going into all of the details (and some of you know this stuff), I felt “spiritual” tugs in my later teens, diving into Eastern practices in college. I remember being trained for $65 in Transcendental Meditation, along with a friend. The point of TM was self-actualization or the achievement of a higher (even highest) state of consciousness. I was very intrigued. I was given a secret mantra by a guru. I was taught to repeat it over and over again for twenty minutes, twice a day. I was told it would be very bad if I shared my particular mantra with anyone else. I did not. I faithfully practiced TM in my college dorm room for a long time. And, I continued to practice meditation in some form or other for several years. By the way, my mantra would be spelled Aye-Ying. I repeated that thousands and thousands of times. I have friends who meditate regularly and employ traditional eastern spiritual practices. I was not a good student at this. I probably benefited from the quiet time and learned the spiritual discipline of quiet meditation, but I never increased my consciousness nor did I perceive any significant impact on my life. I was told that one way of knowing if I was advancing spiritually would be if I could hear the sound of the universe … Om. I listened a lot but did not hear it. I have a relative who listened for many, many years but did not hear it. She spent hours a day in this pursuit. I have to say,though, that a side benefit for me was advancing in the art of listening.

During this time and for another thirty years, I was also drawn to Jesus. He raised my curiosity. Being very active in left wing politics of the day, I liked what little I really knew about him … some popular stuff that said he was a prophet or holy man. A man who knew God, whoever or whatever God was. I also liked that he liked poor people and was quite the thorn in the side of authority. I was not big on authority. He also was big on peace which sat very well with me. And, he was quoted extensively by some of the century’s giants: Gandhi and King. And, I liked those guys.

So, for those several decades, I basically lived in a no-man’s land of searching agnosticism. I managed to get a masters in Theology at the Catholic University of San Diego, quite the odd thing for a public school administrator. To be honest, it was an odd Masters. Pretty unconventional as my advisor/mentor was a pretty unconventional Religious Studies professor. By the end, I was moderately literate in most of the world’s religions, had a fair understanding of the nature of faith (for an agnostic) and could speak somewhat intelligently in the field of epistemology (philosophical theory of knowledge). I was a child of the European Enlightenment and a believer in Humanism. Neither of those predilections are particularly compatible with Theology.

Certainly, I did not know God. If I prayed, I can’t remember it. And, I absolutely hadn’t heard God.

I won’t recount here the events that led up to March 26, 2005, except to say that God proved his existence to me several months before with the miraculous gift of grace and love. It was so torrential in its delivery that I had no alternative other than to believe that it and he was for real. As real as anything I had ever known. But, I still didn’t get exactly who he was or where Jesus fit in.

So, I began to pray and to listen. I mean, I really prayed and I really listened. I asked a lot of questions. I was pretty direct. I kept asking, “show me who you are!” This was not a quiet time for me. I’d been wrestling with this stuff since I was about 17 and I was now turning 51. This was an amazing several months. I lay myself wide open. I had no idea where it all would lead. I had no expectations other than I wanted to know the truth. Stop all the wandering which had not only led nowhere but it had led me to the point of despair.

In those months, there was no denying the tug. Things started happening. Doors started opening. As I was surrendering, clues began popping up. Little things but they added up. Clearly there was a direction but I was not willing to totally surrender. The direction, while compelling, just could not be true. This was a tug of war. I was willing to engage in the tug but I was not willing to be beaten.

In the week leading up to the 26th, I could not escape the fact that I had probably been wrong my whole life. I looked at truth from all the different angles. I analyzed the bits and pieces. I recalled experience and related it to all of my observations of human behavior. I realized an important thing in those months. I could no longer support the supposition that all roads lead to the same place. They don’t. I could no longer support the supposition that all truths are equal or relative. They are not. I realized that atheism was not possible and, for me, agnosticism was a cop out. A current was pulling me and I felt I did not have to resist any more. Still, I doubted. I was your basic really hard sell.

At 6:40 pm I was standing next to Diane. And, God spoke.

It was not a loud voice. The best I could describe it was just a clear and resonate voice. It came in unexpected.

Now, if was not God and I am not a liar, then I was hallucinating.

But, a spontaneous hallucination would probably not have generated these words:

“It’s time to come Home.”

This took me by surprise. As I said, it was unexpected. Three things happened instantaneously. The first was that the voice was clear, unambiguous and came in the upper left side of my head. I think I may have even cocked my head slightly in that direction. The second was that the voice said, “it’s time.” What was equally clear to me in that pinprick instant was that I’d had more than enough time to figure it all out. Time to make a decision. This instant was the only instant. Enough is enough. The voice was not threatening or demanding. It was simply stating the obvious. The third thing that happened is that it said, “come Home.” I capitalize Home for a reason that will be clear in a moment.

However, in that first instant, I’m not sure I knew what “Home” was.

I’m also not sure that this is easily translatable. It happened so fast and was such a surprise. The voice came out of nowhere.

But, for whatever reason, I didn’t hesitate. I sent back this answer. Granted, it was not an audible answer but it was a prompt response. In reflection afterwards, I’m sure I didn’t hesitate. The voice did not give that option.

I said, “Do you mean right now?”

This is almost comedic in an afterthought. If this really was God, … I mean the God of all that is, then here I was kind of debating with him.

What I was actually doing, was holding out. I’ll say that again, I was holding out. I think I had this one last ounce of reservoir in my protective casing that I just did not want to give up. After all, by giving up, the house of cards would fall. And, that’s a very tough thing to allow.

God didn’t hesitate. With the same clear and resonate voice … but, this time with a bit more softness and compassion, he said,

“What are you waiting for?”

Please remember, that this exchange probably lasted five, six seconds, max.

Curious.

Of course, the earth changed on its axis. I was completely boxed in with only one way out. My life and eternity changed in a heartbeat.

Back to the explanation that I somehow conjured this up in my subconscious. For starters, I will swear that I’d never hear the concept of Home before. I’ve heard it since but I’d never heard it prior. I didn’t run in Christian circles. It was simply not in my conceptual library.

And, let’s get to the fact that I argued with the voice. I resisted. I was unwilling. Yes, I’d felt tugged but it was clear that I was not quite ready to really, really believe.

The challenge was laid out, lovingly and simply. Although in that instant I did not know what Home was, I did know it was coming from God and I held back. To which, he calmly sliced away my last defense. He knew. It was over. He did not tell me it was over. He simply gave me a final choice.

And, that’s what God does. He gives us a choice. He didn’t say, “Brad, don’t you know I’m real?” He didn’t say, “Please follow me.” He gave me a choice.

Of course, he knew the answer. I had nothing left. I had no argument, not explanation, no intellectualization that could hold up to scrutiny. More than thirty years of wrestling and searching were left naked and exposed.

Sure, the doubter will say this was all some kind of psycho mumbo jumbo. But, they’d be wrong. I know. I was one of them.

I had no answer. And, in that moment, I let go. And, in that moment, he took me.

There are no words to describe what happened. I can only say this: I instantly saw my entire life and I knew what and where Home is. I had never heard that word in that context before but I instantly knew what it was. It was awaking from a deep sleep to the most vibrant reality. I was shocked. Stunned. How can you write that you see your entire life in a flash? But, it was true. I experienced my life from birth to that moment in a flash, except I saw it through God’s eyes. And, I knew that he was the Alpha and Omega and that I was loved from the very beginning and would be for eternity. This was no impersonal spirit. This was the one God and I belonged to him and it was the most glorious thing imaginable.

A moment before, I did not know what Home was. And, then I knew. I am a visitor in this world and God gave me the gift of seeing Home. Actually, he invited me to come home. I knew that this is where I was designed to be. Home is a place we belong. It is not a new place but is familiar. Home is where we always return. It’s not just a destination or waypoint. It’s the end of the journey. And it’s really, really good.

In a flash, the scales fell away. All of my searching had finally paid off but not of my own accord. Through the infinite grace of God.

So much has happened since then. But, as some of you know, in the immediate aftermath, there were tremendous changes. For starters, for weeks, I would stare at trees and the sky and all of my surroundings and they were vastly different. The colors shimmered and glowed. I was given a glimpse of how God views this created world. I saw his work in my life from the earliest time. I saw his patience. His love. His forgiveness. And, I knew that Jesus was who he said he was.

I have heard God many times since then. Perhaps I’ll write about what hearing God is like when his voice does not come through quite like it did that night. Some of you reading this know that easily as well as I.

The doubter or skeptic is free to question. That is not something I can change. But, to return to the issue: If there is no God, I am either a liar or crazy. Most people who know me now would say that there is no evidence of either. I have not changed course for eleven years. I have not wavered. God is the air I breathe. The atheistic psychologist or philosopher might say that I’m just deluded. Please examine my life in the last decade and argue that this delusion is destructive and not good.

To the other questions of why me and why then? I’ll leave those to another time. I also leave all of the other things that have happened in the last eleven years. Things that Diane has witnessed. Things that others have witnessed that are undeniable in the fact that they point to our loving God.

I heard God’s voice speak and I’m no longer the person I was before. Period. And, that’s the most beautiful blessing imaginable.

Lord, thank you for your trust and patience in me. I know it took a really long time but you know the truth … the shepherd will go quite aways to bring back that one sheep. 🙂  Thank you for the gifts of love and grace. Thank you for bringing me to my knees eleven years ago Saturday and every day, for that matter. I now know what Home is. In many ways, it’s all around me and I am grateful that you open my eyes to that each day. In other ways, this is barely a glimmer. While I have seen glimpses of what is in store, I await the arrival of the full picture. Please help me to greet each day like it is my last in this life. I’m sorry I fall short but that’s why I need help. I hope and pray that I am available to do the work that needs to be done as we anticipate what you have in store for us. Amen.